Come over, it’s hamburger night! That’s what they say. Every day! An outside table is a splendid choice on this breezy spring evening. The rain stopped about forty minutes ago, I’d say. Pair your patty with french-fries and smother the crispy sticks in curry ketchup, chipotle mayo and sriracha mustard (shh, it’s a secret recipe). Would you believe we offer vegan and gluten free options for your wellness-warrior friends? Salads? Flip over the menu, they’re there — no, a bit further down — next to our French fry selection. Here’s the wine and beer list. After all, you did put in those late nights at the office this week readying up your company’s new financial planning app. Your girlfriend told me about it while she was waiting for the table. I’m looking forward to downloading it.
The wait won’t be long, about thirty minutes or so. It depends on how long our other guests spend chatting and eating. We don’t rush people. Your kids are hungry, aren’t we all! We will give you the same consideration when you’re seated, of course. We sympathise. Dad ran himself hoarse meeting with new clients and mom fought the hoards at the supermarket. Oh. No? Sorry. Mom can’t speak after the office and Dad’s back aches from the groceries. There is no Dad? The table on the left! They’re leaving now. I will just be a moment, have a complimentary glass of ice-cold tap water while you wait. Brooklyn’s finest!
The music? Let me ask the manager if we can lower it. I think that os Magic’s ‘Rude!’ playing. Well, no, I guess I never did think the line ‘marry her anyway’ was explicitly misogynist. Ah, the kids at table three. I do realise how grating those high-pitched shrieks become. Would you believe I stepped on a French fry the boy in the Beatles’ yellow submarine t-shirt threw on the floor? I’ll tend to the situation. Would you like some extra condiments while you wait? Curry ketchup? Chipotle mayo? Sriracha mustard? All three! It’ll only be a minute. Happy burger time!
Our take out counter is straight in the back. Yes, back there. A menu? Yes, the menu is back there as well. If you could use the rear door, that would be greatly appreciated. As you can see we’re utterly packed up here. No, unfortunately we aren’t currently offering the bison burger. The market prices might kill your appetite. And who would want that? I’m afraid the elk burger isn’t available for take out. Ooh, the ostrich, um, we discontinued that last month because we discovered some unsavoury facts about local ostrich farms. May I recommend the turkey burger or, my personal favourite, the black bean veggie burger? It’s gluten-free, high-protein and goes great with smoky chipotle mayo.
Ma’am? Hi, I’m sorry to bother you. I see that you’re reading; however, we ask that you please refrain from occupying a table until your entire party has arrived. He may have left the subway a few moments ago, but we have other customers patiently waiting. And they’re here. Right now. Really ma’am, there’s no reason to call him. Please, save your phone minutes for something more important.
Voila! Here’s your salad, sir. You asked for the cherry tomatoes on the side? Ah, yes, it’s here on the order. How did the kitchen mess that up?! My apologies. Between you and me, sometimes our chefs aren’t as considerate of an individual’s preferences as they ought to be. Dining out should be relaxing! You don’t want cherry tomatoes marring an otherwise refreshing dinner. Your new salad will be out in a moment. I would wash the leaves myself if that wasn’t a violation of New York City health code. By the way sir, those glasses? I’ve been looking for a thick frame like that myself.
A high chair? We have plenty. I’ll bring one over for you. Phhhh. Quick, I need a high chair for table eight. Wait, we ran out of high chairs? But we must have at least ten for Friday night! Ugh, I’ll need to email the manager tomorrow to let him know we could use a few more. I just don’t want to go tell the family in matching Birkenstocks that we don’t have any left. No, no, it’s okay. I’ll do it, I just don’t want to. Yeah, look at table eight. Their shoes do match. Scary, right?
Hi, ma’am, sir. I’m sorry but it seems all our high chairs are currently being used. Yes, I can see the little one is squirming. But, working here, I’ve learnt that a mother’s lap is often exactly where kids most want to sit. Or the father’s! What about if I sent over some chipotle mayo, eh? Compliments of the chef! Well, no, it isn’t vegan. How about some extra French fries? Or, um, pickles? I guess I could offer some sparkling water. Two bottles of sparkling water? Your server will bring them in just a moment.
We’re open until 10:30 most nights, sir. Sometimes we stay open later if patrons wish to hang around and have another drink, get another round of French fries. People can’t get enough chipotle mayo. It’s addictive! Do I eat it? I generally prefer Italian condiments: balsamic vinegar, olive oil, and the like. No, I don’t usually eat a burger during break. It would be too much, I wouldn’t want to work after that. I usually bring my lunch — a sandwich or salad. Sometimes I get a bagel from the shop around the corner. Yes, ma’am, the wait is still around thirty minutes. People relish sharing a meal after a hectic day! I don’t know what they talk about either, but the important thing is that we provide the place. Happy burger time.